Blind Walking

When I was younger and thought about having children, I knew that I wanted to have several. Having always loved children, I played with my baby dolls for hours on end. When I would go to take a nap, I would hold my favorite baby, Cindy-doll, and pretend that we were on a trip West in a covered wagon. I loved that doll so much that I even took her to college with me.

Since I didn't get married until I was 28, I was anxious to begin my trek into motherhood. Rowland was a great husband, but I still felt that the one thing I needed to make me "complete" was a child of my own. Two days before our first anniversary, Carson was born. I still remember 15 years ago as I did the Caesarean shuffle through my house holding my baby, standing in front of the hall mirror in disbelief that the tiny boy in my arms was actually mine. I was a mommy, and nothing could have made me happier!

After four years of enjoying Carson as an only child, we decided to have another baby and had William. Then, after a night of too much wine, we became pregnant with Kitty, and she was born 16 months after William's birth. As if our plate was not full, we began the adoption process for our fourth child when Kitty was three years old. A year later, we brought Jia, almost two years old, home from China. Let there be no doubt that our family was complete, and this momma was more than complete!

I truly adore each one of my children; they are my heart and soul! When they're happy, I'm happy with them. When they're sad, I'm sad with them. When they were little, it was easy to know the proper discipline for each, the best way to reward and motivate each of them. Life was more black and white, easier to maneuver as a parent. When bedtime came, I put not only the children to sleep for the night but also my mind to rest. I didn't lie awake wondering how to handle situations or pray throughout the entire day as I fretted over decisions made or to be made.

Those days have passed, though, and now I do awaken in the night, asking God for clear guidance in how to handle each of my children. I feel as if I am praying for them constantly, praying for God to transform their hearts, for His guidance as I walk through this parenting forest. As my children leave the house to head for school, my heart is often heavy, knowing their struggles, their sorrows, their pain and realizing that I have little power in healing their hearts or filling them with joy and laughter while they're gone.

Books have been written; speakers have spoken; and endless telephone conversations have been had as I have sought clear answers to this path of parenthood. I have learned that there is no magic formula, no two children who are alike, no "right way" to handle each situation. Instead, I am learning to close my eyes tightly, pray to God desperately, and put one foot in front of the other.