A Time for Memories

Lately, as you've probably noticed, I've been filled with so many memories of my children when they were younger. Tonight, I am flooded by those precious days with my firstborn.

I was always a pessimist, never thinking that anyone would choose me, that no one would ever want me for "forever." I dreamed of being a mother and a wife. I craved a child. When Rowland and I married, I became pregnant after just three months. I remember reading the pregnancy test and being so excited, trying to figure out a way to surprise Rowland with the news. I went and got a diaper, decorated it with goofy words and a stick figure of our baby-to-be, then placed it in the refrigerator where he would see it when he came home from work. Sure enough, he was just as overjoyed as I was.

The Man who Chose Me Forever

Over the next nine months, I ballooned, literally. (I also dyed my hair several different colors until my youngest brother told me that I looked like a pregnant punk rocker! That's a different story, though.) I loved feeling Carson moving inside of me. I remember moving into our new home and re-painting the baby bed that had been my little brother's. Rowland painted the room a beautiful teal green and painted clouds on the ceiling. I made a window treatments out of fabric that said, "I love daddy," placed letters on the wall spelling out Carson's name. The room was filled with bears, and lying in the middle of the baby bed was a precious onesie that I would picture our son wearing one day soon.

Me As a Balloon

Since I had a scheduled C-section, we had everything planned. My sister-in-law was in the room taking pictures, and Rowland was by my side the entire time. When that precious little (not so little at 9 pounds 6 ounces) boy was placed into my arms, I sobbed. I remember telling my mother-in-law that I now had everything I had ever wanted. I had a wonderful man who adored me, who had chosen me for life; I had the most precious baby boy I could have ever wished for.

My First Moments as a Mommy

Once home, I do remember the sleepless nights, the pain from the C-section, the relief I would feel when Carson would take his long naps as I lived in the "Twilight Zone." One of my earliest memories at home was walking into the hallway, holding my baby boy against my chest and looking in the mirror, realizing that I was his mommy, that he was really mine.

My Baby with His Blankie and His "Patise"

As Carson grew, he filled my world with joy. When he was only three years old, he could recite word for word dozens of Barney videos. He would place all of his "people" on the coffee table in the den and have them act out the various videos. He carried around a little plastic Barney for years, chewing on the hand until I thought surely it would fall off.

He didn't just love Barney, though; he also loved the musical "Cats." He would get all of his Winnie the Pooh people out and have them play the various parts in the musical, and as God is my witness, that child could have them act out and sing the entire musical! I would clear off the coffee table, and he would sit on it and play for hours.

Carson and I went everywhere together. He was my little buddy. I would take him up to the music store that we owned, and he would play in his playpen while I'd hang out with Rowland. What special, special memories. He was my toot-a-bootus, and we would hold hands, swinging them as we walked singing, "Tutti, tutti fruiti....a-rootie!"

Our Little Family

I remember his coming to the hospital and holding William for the first time, the proud big brother. Once, when William was only a few weeks old and was lying in his bouncy seat, Carson pulled the seat back as far as it would go and nearly sling-shotted him across the room!

Carson Holding His New Brother

Carson was so bright. He went to Mother's Day Out one day each week, and I would spend that day with Rowland, but I was always anxious to get back to my boy. When he started a four-year old program, he was such a big boy. I would pull up to the door, and he would walk right inside his classroom. Again, I waited anxiously for his few hours away from me to end. He always gave me the biggest hugs and the best smiles.

His First Day of Four-Year Old School

Sometime shortly after that, he turned into a little boy. He wasn't my baby anymore. It seems that it was only a couple of years ago that I released him to Kindergarten, then first grade, and now high school.

He still makes me laugh. I love his sense of humor. I cherish those moments that he lets me be his mommy. Not too long ago, I convinced him to lie on the couch with his head in my lap, and I stroked his hair for a good fifteen minutes, fifteen minutes that will have to last me until the next time he decides to lie in my lap!

My Baby and Me

I'm not sure where the time has gone. I never wished for him to grow up to be a young man. I wanted so desperately to keep him little, to feel his precious little hands in mine, to hear him sing in his sweet little boy voice, to snuggle with me while we would nap together, to squeal with delight when I picked him up from school, chattering away about his day....

I do know this, though. No matter how old he is, he will always be the one who made me a mommy, the one who truly taught me what unconditional love looks like. He'll never know the love I have for him until he walks past a hall mirror and sees his own child in his arms. And I'll always have my memories.

Carson in His Dream Car