Who Taught Me to Love My Babies?

I just finished reading an excellent memoir by Susanna Sonnenberg entitled "Her Last Death." Let me start by saying that I would not recommend this book to everyone as it is full of drugs, sex, extravagant lifestyle to the far reaches of excess, and incredibly poor parenting. In fact, I would hardly call Susanna's mother a "parent" as she introduced her daughter to her own world of drugs and sex at the age of eight. Her mother most definitely would be labeled abusive, physically, emotionally, and verbally. The emotional damage as well as the early introduction to sex and drugs caused Susanna incredible problems as she grew to adulthood. Sex to her became a tool, a means of feeling self-fulfilled, even successful, as she conquered many, many men and used them to get her way or just to have power over them for a few days or even a night.

The most poignant part of the book is the last quarter, as Susanna moves to Montana to attempt to settle down with a man who NEVER lied, quite the opposite of her mother and her who seldom told the truth. Somehow, Christopher, her future husband, taught her the value of love, of commitment to one another, and even helped her change her view of sex as an act to the true togetherness of making love.

Eventually, Susanna and Christopher had two boys, and she had to cut her mother out of her life because of the drugs and her fear for how she might teach her sons some of the same things Susanna had been taught at such an early age. Sad life, huh?

To me, this part of the book was refreshing, showing the healing power of true love and true commitment. In the last chapter, she recounts a few scenes from her childhood not yet told. They were glimpses into brief moments when her mother actually showed her how to love her boys. The most touching was when she was three, and she recalled her mother bending down over the bathtub, wrapping Susanna in a towel, and carrying her with her wet head lying on her shoulder into the bed, whispering that she loved her. Those moments were the moments that she realized had shaped her in the ways she DID want to parent her boys.

Those moments brought back memories of who taught me how to love my babies. My mother had her faults, as well do I and every other mother! I can honestly say, though, that she loved her babies with a fierce love, and she was always available to show us just how much. My mother was the one who taught me to listen to my children, their long stories, their happy moments, their tears. She taught me to be happy when they are happy and to be sad when they are sad. She taught me the importance of attending school parties, field trips, plays, dance recitals, and all of those things that are highly important to my children. She taught me to be a cheerleader for my kids, to be an advocate when they needed one, to encourage them to be independent and stand up for themselves. She showed me through her example how special it is to tuck my children in at night, to pray with them, and kiss them softly. My mother never tires of saying, "I love you," and to this day, we don't end a phone conversation or a visit without saying those three special words. My children, likewise, hear "I love you" almost as often as they hear their names. Just as my mother had nicknames for us, I have nicknames for my babies..."princess, big guy, baby, Keke-doll, Shenners, Nator, Meister-man, love-bug, sweetie......" My momma taught me how to fake a sweet tone when I feel like screaming, "I'M DONE!!!!" Yes, she taught me to love my babies with a fierce love, a love that I didn't know that I had inside of me!

Momma with Flat Stanley (for her Grandchild, of course!)

Another special person who taught me to love my babies when they truly were babies is my precious sister-in-law Danea. I watched her with my beautiful niece Amanda as she would bathe her, wrap her tightly in a blanket, rock her, talk to her, and put her before Danea's own happiness. Although I feel partially responsible for raising my little brother Troy who was born when I was 14, once Carson was born, I looked to Danea for how to take care of his little needs. I watched her as she would hold him and other babies, the way that she could always calm them with her soft movements, her sweet voice, and her tight hold. (I also learned to clean house, keep my mouth shut when necessary, and fight for the love of my life by watching Danea, but I suppose that's another blog!)

Danea with Her Firstborn, Beautiful Amanda

Who taught me to love my babies? I'd have to say that I learned by example by watching the two most special ladies in my life. Thank you, Momma, and thank you, Danea, not just for teaching me to love my babies but also for helping me through this journey of learning to love myself. Words cannot express the debt that I owe each of you and how thankful I am that God gave me just the right momma and just the right sister!! I love you both with all of my heart and all of my soul!! And I love my babies with every single piece of me!!

Happy Birthday, Princess KeKe-Doll!!

The Birthday Girl

My sweet big girl turned nine years old today! It seems like just yesterday she was my appendage, and now she's Miss Independent, Miss Personality, and unfortunately, Miss Attitude!! What a fabulous day she had today! I love hearing all of the giggles even as I sit here typing. The fun goes on and on!!

After her daddy took her to lunch, Kitty came home and opened her family presents. She had asked for the big Pix-o's set and a BMX bike, and she got them both. Her Nana sent her a beautiful Madame Alexander doll from Armenia to add to her collection, and she got money to spend from other family members. Of course, she already knows where to spend it!!

Tonight, we met a few of her friends at Justice for the "I Want to Be a Rock Star" party, and the girls had a great time. After they were "beautified" and had played a couple of games, we met the rest of the family at Parry's Pizza for dinner, and her big sister Hollie sang "Happy Birthday" to her. What a treat!!

The Makeovers Begin

The Rock Stars

Momma and Her Big Girl

Big Sister Hollie and Kitty

Manly Torture

Once home, it was chocolate cake and smores with lots of laughter!! It's almost 10:00, and there's no sign of things calming down anytime soon!! Wonder when the SLEEP part of the SLEEPOVER begins!! Happy Birthday, Our Beautiful Princess!!! We love you so much and are so proud of you and your sweet friends!!!

Chocolate Cake and Wishes

Smores

Faithful in My Unfaithfulness

Since I wrote last week about feeling so lonely, God has been amazingly faithful to me once again. That very day, I ran to Target and ran into two friends from church. Both are people I really like and in both instances, I knew that it was a God thing. I know that He was showing me that I am only alone when I want to be alone, that there are people whom He has placed in my life to fill that loneliness if I just reach out to them. I immediately thanked him for those friends.

I spent almost the entire day on the phone with my dear sister-in-law Danea, and we laughed and talked about life until I felt my "tank" become full once again. After all, she is only a phone call away, and she loves me and has loved me for so long. Not many people in this world have a best friend who has been there through thick and thin for 25 years. Again, I thanked God for reminding me of that special friendship.

The next day I spoke to my precious friend Anita and shared my feelings with her. She is incredibly helpful in the way that she listens and helps me think through my schedule, the reality of life. She also volunteered to help me sort through what I want my life to look like, where I want to spend my time, and encouraging me to make time for myself and my friends. Thank you, God, for your faithfulness in providing me with a special friend here.

I even picked up the phone and made a McDonald's play date with a hysterical friend from Bible study. She always makes me laugh, and her kids are sweet boys. We had such a good time just being together and talking about things that don't matter, laughing and filling my "tank" some more. God has blessed me with people like Amy M. who make me laugh and are just "real" people.

Anita and I spent time at the pool one day with the children and enjoyed visiting all the way through dinner with the families. There aren't too many relationships where the husbands seem to enjoy each other as much as the wives enjoy each other. God has been faithful in providing that with David and Anita.

Tonight, we cooked out and had a great time. The kids played great together, and it was a time of laughter and teasing that feeds my soul. As we lay around on the couches in the den, I saw again God's faithfulness in providing people in my life who accept my husband, my children, and me just as we are.

I'm still working through some areas of my life, trying to figure out what God wants my days to look like when the kids are back in school in a week and a half. I truly am unsure of the future, but one thing I do know is that God has shown me His faithfulness, and I know that He will not leave me stranded to figure everything out on my own. I'm ashamed to admit that I haven't fulfilled my two week promise of eating well, working out, and spending time in the Word. Fortunately, I follow a God who doesn't keep count. He loves me regardless of my faithfulness, and He is ALWAYS true to His Word, Faithful.

The End of a Career

Our Prima Ballerina

Jia worked so hard this year JUST FOR the recital. Since she saw Kitty in her two recitals when they were younger, Jia has always wanted to be in a recital. She knew that she would have to attend about 36 times before she would be able to step foot on that big stage, and she worked so hard to get there. Each Thursday morning, she would ask me, "What's today?" When I'd tell her it was Thursday, she'd say, "Oh, no, dance..." She made it, though, and she was a beautiful ballerina. Sadly (?), her career has ended.....She did a fabulous job, though.

Mary Poppins' Girls
(Jia is the next to the last on the right.)

Jia Riding Her Horse

Two Sisters

William and Jia

Daddy with His Princess (and a Rose)

Three Stars Are Born!!!

William and Kitty finished Drama Camp today and had their performance. Each of them had speaking parts and solos, and they definitely got their dance moves from their momma! Those two can move it, move it!!!

William's Monologue

Kitty "Footloose"

Carson also finished Rock Band Camp and had his concert tonight. We all enjoyed watching and listening to his guitar leads and bass playing - and you should that kid on the shaker! He can chew gum, shake the shaker, tap his foot, and bob his head all at the same time. Multi-tasking at its finest!!!!

William and I Waiting for the Rock Concert

Carson Playing Bass at the Concert

The Rockers' Curtain Call

Rowland Running Sound

William and Jia Playing DS at Chili's Afterwards

Rowland and I Enjoying Dinner

Kitty and Dee

Momma and Her Rocker Son (Nice Face, Carson!)

William's Big Performance

William is a member of his school choir, and he has quite a good voice, too! He's sung several solos in different places, and he does a fabulous job. His choir had the amazing honor of singing "The Star Bangled Banner" at the Colorado Rockies game. The choir director is fantastic, and the kids sounded super!

The Choir on the Field

The Boy Has His Own Sense of Style!

Big Brother Still Carries the "Baby"

Kitty with Her Precious Friend

We all had a great time, and the Rockies won!!!

P.S. HAPPY 21ST ANNIVERSARY TO MY PRECIOUS SISTER AND ROWLAND'S BROTHER!!!

Just Don't Get It.....

How do you go from running crazy, wishing life would slow down for just a moment, a completely packed schedule to nothing, loneliness and depression? I read constantly, and I'm actually reading books that are fun and hold my interest, keep me enthralled. I still have my four children and my husband and my home to care for, and yet...the loneliness and depression.

Carson is in Rock Band Camp this week so he's very busy with that. William and Kitty are in Drama Camp this week, and they're having a blast, very busy and loving every minute of it. Jia hangs with me, and we ran errands today, got manicures, had lunch, even stopped by the library to get library cards.

As my niece would say, "It's a Kitty-ism." This particular Kitty-ism is one I could live without! All of the little ones will be back in school July 8th, and then what? I've committed to NOT committing to anything except my weekly doctor's appointment and Sunday morning children's service and Worship Team. There has to be a place in-between the running until I'm about to lose it and the feeling that it's hard to even get up in the morning, the waiting all day until I can go to sleep at night.

How can someone living in a house full of people be so lonely? What am I supposed to be doing? I miss my Danea, my precious sister-in-law and bestest friend in the Universe. I miss my Mom. At times like this, I miss my husband who's upstairs in bed. It's just loneliness and a feeling of emptiness, and it absolutely sucks!