Wow! It's Still Here!

I thought that my blog was taken away from me by the great god of the blogosphere. In fact, I even got a message saying that it was being removed. That's my excuse for not writing, although I just checked, and voila! It's still here!!! I have so much to share and no time this morning, but I WILL be back!! God has been showing me many wonderful things about exactly what He expects from me, not what Kitty expects from herself. How freeing!! Slowly breaking those bonds!

I do have a prayer request that I hesitantly share. My momma's heart is breaking for one of my precious angels, Carson. First off, HIGH SCHOOL SUCKS!!! Now that that's off of my chest, I'll give you my prayer request. After reading Carson's text messages and seeing God's working in His life recently, my heart became broken for him. He has been his usual happy, funny, engaging self. He has still been involved with the family, enjoying time with his dad and even his momma (smile). He's been playing guitar like a mad man, enjoying leading worship for the youth and on Sunday mornings for "big" church. In fact, he's been listening to a lot more Christian music, posting Bible verses on Facebook, and going through a book on being a Christian teen with his dad (at Carson's suggestion). All in all, he seems to be in a very good place, although school is still a thorn in all of our flesh!

His texts revealed a boy who feels very alone, who is being made fun of for listening to Christian music and posting Bible verses on Facebook, who wants to get away from his high school desperately and focus on real friends, family, and God. There were other heart-breaking things that have happened at school and possibly at School of Rock (just not sure). I can't share them all, but I bowed before my God last night and placed that tiny baby (who's now 15 and WAY taller than I) into His hands once again. I'm praying for one good friend, one person who gets him, one person who will laugh with him and hang with him. The request seems simple enough, but it feels like asking God to move a mountain. I've even had to ask God to help me in my unbelief because I don't see anyone around who could be that friend. Please join with me in praying for him. He'll be homeschooling next year, but I don't want him to feel more isolated. God has the answer; clearly, I don't. As I lay this before my Heavenly Father, I look SO forward to the day that I can give Him the glory for the greater work that He will do!

Looking for the Lost Laugh

I recently returned from a great trip to New York City where I met my sister-in-law, Danea, and my niece, Amanda. Danea has been my best friend and confidante for 25+ years, since the birth of Amanda. Throughout the years, we have shared all of life, laughter, tears, fears, disappointments, joys, blessings...... We've never kept secrets from each other and have always loved and encouraged one another. Certainly, we have disappointed one another on occasion, but those times have been very, very few. God has blessed us with the kind of friendship that most in this world never experience, and I am overwhelmingly thankful for His blessing.

This trip was not our first to NYC or our first time to be together without the guys, but I noticed something different on this trip. While we were still close, still shared our deepest thoughts and wishes, there was something missing on this trip. As we were riding down the elevator, bags in tow, preparing to check out of the hotel, I realized that we were missing the laughter. We were missing the tears-streaking-down-the-cheeks kind of laughter, the laughter that cleanses one's soul, that takes on a life of its own. There were no naked flips onto the bed, no singing as we walked down the street, no getting so tickled that we just laid on the bed laughing.

Where was the laughter? Has life become so heavy, so full of worries, concerns, and to-dos, that there is no room for the can't-catch-your-breath laughter? How many weeks would we need to spend together, away from the realities of life, in order to experience that kind of laughter? Is it like the core of a head of lettuce, hidden beneath layer after layer of suffocating leaf? Does lack of laughter mean lack of joy? If so, hasn't God promised me that joy? Am I looking in all of the wrong places? Am I even looking?

Obviously, I don't have any answers, but I definitely have many questions. At the heart of this girl named Kitty is a girl full of laughter and joy, a girl who can make people feel good, who can make people laugh, who loves to laugh herself. I know she's in there; she couldn't just disappear. How does one go about looking for the lost laugh? I refuse to give up on it. I just need to find it again.

Blind Walking

When I was younger and thought about having children, I knew that I wanted to have several. Having always loved children, I played with my baby dolls for hours on end. When I would go to take a nap, I would hold my favorite baby, Cindy-doll, and pretend that we were on a trip West in a covered wagon. I loved that doll so much that I even took her to college with me.

Since I didn't get married until I was 28, I was anxious to begin my trek into motherhood. Rowland was a great husband, but I still felt that the one thing I needed to make me "complete" was a child of my own. Two days before our first anniversary, Carson was born. I still remember 15 years ago as I did the Caesarean shuffle through my house holding my baby, standing in front of the hall mirror in disbelief that the tiny boy in my arms was actually mine. I was a mommy, and nothing could have made me happier!

After four years of enjoying Carson as an only child, we decided to have another baby and had William. Then, after a night of too much wine, we became pregnant with Kitty, and she was born 16 months after William's birth. As if our plate was not full, we began the adoption process for our fourth child when Kitty was three years old. A year later, we brought Jia, almost two years old, home from China. Let there be no doubt that our family was complete, and this momma was more than complete!

I truly adore each one of my children; they are my heart and soul! When they're happy, I'm happy with them. When they're sad, I'm sad with them. When they were little, it was easy to know the proper discipline for each, the best way to reward and motivate each of them. Life was more black and white, easier to maneuver as a parent. When bedtime came, I put not only the children to sleep for the night but also my mind to rest. I didn't lie awake wondering how to handle situations or pray throughout the entire day as I fretted over decisions made or to be made.

Those days have passed, though, and now I do awaken in the night, asking God for clear guidance in how to handle each of my children. I feel as if I am praying for them constantly, praying for God to transform their hearts, for His guidance as I walk through this parenting forest. As my children leave the house to head for school, my heart is often heavy, knowing their struggles, their sorrows, their pain and realizing that I have little power in healing their hearts or filling them with joy and laughter while they're gone.

Books have been written; speakers have spoken; and endless telephone conversations have been had as I have sought clear answers to this path of parenthood. I have learned that there is no magic formula, no two children who are alike, no "right way" to handle each situation. Instead, I am learning to close my eyes tightly, pray to God desperately, and put one foot in front of the other.

Happily Ever After

Once upon a time...and they lived happily ever after. Almost every fairy tale begins and ends with those words. "Once upon a time," there was someone who needed something, was lacking in some way, and in the end, that person's need was filled, and "they lived happily ever after." The demons of life were slain, forever put to rest, and only a bright future remained.

In the "real" world, though, as Rob Thomas sings so accurately, "nobody told you it was gonna be hard!" Life is littered with beautiful, happy moments that bring tears of joy to your eyes; however, life is also full of difficult, wilderness times that bring tears of pain or emptiness to those same eyes. To me, the hardest part of this journey of life is that those wilderness times usually catch me by total surprise. I'm never quite prepared for the dry, desolate, sometimes painful desert, but it always arrives, usually knocking me to my knees.

As I walk through my own wilderness right now, I am continually trying to determine when I first stepped into the dry sand. Unfortunately, it seems that I walked for quite a while before my thirst overtook me, before I realized that I had indeed entered the desert. As I look around me for an oasis, for my "happily ever after," the blowing sand has clouded my vision. My mind is full of thoughts, running into one another, constantly moving, yet never being able to identify how I got here or where to find the lush garden of respite I so desperately need.

I'm not depressed, but I am concerned. I am concerned about each of my children. I am concerned about my husband. I am concerned about our family as a whole. I am constantly going to God, pointing to the miracles in the past, praising Him for those, and asking for His touch in my life and in the lives of those living in my home. I do know that He will show up in a mighty way, but I'm uncertain when that will be and how He will do it. Will He take me from this wilderness in a grand way, or will the journey be long and painful? Will the result be the one for which I am asking, or will His plan differ greatly?

The Scriptures tell me that "I WILL see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living," and I bank on that each day. In eternity, I am assured of my happily ever after; however, here on Earth, I'm sad to admit that, to me, happily ever after is only for fairy tales.

My Mixed Blessing

I lay there with knots in my stomach feeling like a little girl in trouble, waiting for a disapproving look, listening to the noise downstairs. I hear the rattling of pots and pans, dishes being put away. Chairs are being moved around as if someone is sweeping under the kitchen table, straightening up the room. Every once in a while, a father's voice sends one of the girls upstairs to put away toys left in the den.

The knots in my stomach tighten, and the tears fill my eyes as I begin reprimanding myself, reminding myself of how just how short I fall as the homemaker. As I go through the list of my failures, my inadequacies, I hear the vacuum cleaner begin its roar. My throat tightens, and I will myself to get out of the bed, to face the world outside of my room.

As I descend the stairs, I smell the familiar smell of cleaning products and wonder if the bathrooms have been cleaned as well, hoping that they've been left for my hands, for my redemption. Reaching the bottom of the stairs, I see my husband vacuuming the living room, and the guilt is all-consuming. I speak to him, expecting to hear a single "hello," recognition mixed with disapproval.

Instead, Rowland says to me, "I thought I'd give you a head start on your week" as he gives me a kind smile. Instantly, the knots disappear, and the little girl stands there, appreciation washing over the fear of condemnation. I walk through the room, picking up a blanket and a throw pillow, helping straighten ahead of the vacuum cleaner.

Once the vacuuming is finished, my husband goes into the kitchen, talking to the girls about what they'd like for dinner. After all, it's 6:15. I should have considered dinner but instead was too consumed with my own thoughts, reprimanding myself for who I wasn't, the good wife, the good mother. Still pleasant, Rowland begins making dinner, moving through what should be my duties.

Yes, I'm thankful for a husband who is involved, not just with the house but also with the children. I'm thankful that he takes the initiative and jumps in to help. Yet, at the same time, this "blessing" seems to take my place so easily. My blessing reminds me with his loving actions of just how short I fall from the mark, just how often I fail to do "my job," just how little I do compared to those mothers, wives, homemakers around me. Feeling defeated, I trudge through the rest of my night, trying to leave my mark somewhere, hugging my girls as they cry, emptying suitcases, beginning the laundry. At this point, I'm incapable of enjoying the relaxing evening that I had planned. I MUST prove my importance, my irreplaceability in this group that I call family.

An Anxious Warrior

Interesting that I've been thinking so much this week about love, empathy, and compassion. Interesting also that I've been specifically thinking about Jesus' Commandments to Love God and Love Others, summing up our role as followers of Christ. As promised in God's Word, the Devil is always lurking, ready to take us down, watching for the precise moment when he can throw us into a maelstrom and try to drown us. Certainly, my life is no exception; while I have the armor of Christ, as long as I'm in battle with the Devil, I'm a target of his.

The words of the day are confrontation and anxiety, two of my least favorite! What does it look like to be in confrontation with another who's not a believer and still show Christ's love? As my precious friend Grant used to say, "That's the slippery slope." What does it look like to love your child with a mother's heart and still show Christ's love to someone attacking your child, attacking your character as a mother, questioning your skills as a parent?

Oh, I'm definitely not one without pride, and I definitely care what others think about me. Probably, I care a little too much most of the time. This morning, though, as my stomach is filled with anxiety, and I run back and forth to the restroom, I am trying to discern Jesus' will for my MOUTH. I am perfectly capable of "dressing myself up" with a happy smile, a self-assured posture, and the look of someone excited to face the day. I'm not so capable of controlling my tongue when it comes to defending my children and even myself. Yes, Jesus, You know me! My MOUTH is the problem.

I honestly don't know what form the confrontation will take today, but I am certain that it will come. I have three valentine parties at school, and it could quite possibly appear at two of those parties. I'd like to just cry, take my "part" of the parties to school, drop the items off, and feign a migraine. And I could do just that; however, there are two problems with that scenario. Foremost is that my children would be sad. They don't care about adult confrontation; they care about their momma's showing up and being a part of their special day. I WON'T let the scariness of the word confrontation cause me to disappoint my babies! And secondly, probably most important to God, is that this confrontation seems to be preordained. I have a sense that God is asking me to walk through this in the power of the Holy Spirit, that my words and actions today are part of a much bigger plan. As my sweet friend Amy told me last night, He may be asking me to "take one for the team."

Instead of seeing this as my character on the line, my parenting being an issue, my child being accused, perhaps I should instead view this as God's character being on the line. Maybe today, instead of being the scared warrior hiding in her house, God is asking me to put on His armor and be the soldier He has called me to be - not to fight for my rights or those of my child, but to show the true character of a Christ follower, of His warrior.

Holy Spirit, fill me with Your love, Your compassion, Your empathy as You empty me of my pride, my own sense of justice. Let Your lamp truly be a light unto my path THIS day, and in the end, may You, Jesus, receive the glory and honor that You so rightly deserve!!

Empathy for All But One

Empathy is a complex word, an even more complex feeling. The dictionary definition is "identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings, and motives." Differing from sympathy, "a general kinship with another's feelings," empathy involves a "vicarious participation" in another's feelings. Basically, it's a deeper level of sympathy.

As someone who has been hard-wired to be deeply compassionate, full of mercy, I am also someone who has great empathy for others. At times, that empathy can feel more like a curse as it drains me of so much emotional energy. The empathy that I feel pushes me to action, to somehow "help" the person for whom my heart aches. It also gives me great feelings of joy as I watch others celebrate. Yes, I am one of those people who not only smiles at the preacher while he's talking as if it offer encouragement but also one of those people who smiles at those on television as if I am able to offer them encouragement as well!

I often pray, asking God to show me ways that I can make a difference in people's everyday lives, and He offers me those opportunities. In a public restroom yesterday, a lady in a wheelchair was struggling to get into the stall since there was no handicapped stall. I offered to help her stand so that she could walk into the restroom, knowing that it might be awkward but feeling that she really needed my help. As I was leaving that same building, an older lady was standing by the door with a cane, waiting for someone to hold the door for her. Of course, I jumped at the opportunity. Then, only a few minutes later as I was driving home, I came upon an old car stalled in the middle of the road as the driver stood watching car after car go around her. I offered to call someone for her, and in minutes, she was in my car as I took her to the gas station, the bank, and back to the gas station.

I'm not singing my praises as I write this but instead am giving you a glimpse into who I am, how deeply I am concerned about others. This glimpse is to drive home the great insight of my therapist as we sat yesterday and discussed empathy and compassion. As I was sharing with her how painful it can be to step into all of the shoes walking through my house as well as those shoes that I encounter throughout the day, she made a great observation.

In explaining my feelings to Meg, I related an argument that my husband and I had had on Monday night in which I felt that he didn't validate, empathize, or even recognize my feelings. Upon his leaving, I sank into a pool of tears at my computer, broken-hearted and feeling that, while I try to offer great compassion for every single person in my home, there is sometimes none given back to me when I need it most. Suddenly, I had the overwhelming desire to cut myself, to hurt myself physically so that the emotional pain would be pushed away. Eventually, I headed to the kitchen where I ate the last six pop-tarts, knowing that I would purge them immediately and that all emotional pain would be gone, at least for the moment. And it worked. Momentarily.

Truly, though, in that moment what I wanted, what I needed, was empathy, compassion, someone to step into my shoes. There was no one in that particular moment....or was there? Meg showed me that while I can have great empathy for the man on the corner begging for money even if he put himself in that situation through drug use or laziness, I can find no empathy for myself. I'm able to be empathic with criminals when I see the way that they have been raised, the lack of nurturing and stability, yet I'm unable to extend that same empathy to myself. Am I not just as deserving of my love, my compassion, my kindness, my feelings as those around me? As a mother, why do I feel guilty, selfish when I NEED, going so far as to label those needy emotions as selfishness, self-pity, unworthiness? So full of empathy.....for all but one.

Love Hurts

We're all taught growing up that we're to "do unto others as we'd have them do unto us." Jesus tells us that the two most important commandments are to love God and to love others. Even in movies, we root for the "good" guy, the underdog, the one who puts it all on the line for someone else. In books, we want love to triumph over all obstacles. Loving others makes us feel good about ourselves.

Loving others also drains every last drop of emotion, energy, enthusiasm out of us. Sometimes, it takes a lot of work to love. Even when loving comes naturally as in the case of loving our children, it can still leave us spent.

Loving and empathy seem to go hand in hand. It's difficult to love another person without feeling empathy, getting inside the emotions of that person and walking in those proverbial shoes. As if my own emotions aren't draining enough, taking on others' emotions is often overwhelming, especially when it's the emotions of my children.

This very morning, my high schooler came to me feeling sick. Do I think he's sick? I'm not sure. I know that several of us have felt pretty bad over the last couple of weeks. I also know that his dad is out-of-town; he knows his momma's weakness (i.e, love); and he's not too high on school. The love/empathy steps in, and I cave, unsure of my decision but very sure of my love for him.

This same morning, my fifth grader walked around the house with a blanket or jacket over his head. Hoping that he'd decided that he was yet another of Michael Jackson's love children, I teased him only to discover that there was true sadness hiding under that blanket. And my heart took off again! He's been struggling the last several weeks, disliking school, bored with school, bored with church, bored with life in general. He's even been sleeping in my room at night. With a full day ahead of me, I CANNOT give in to his desire to stay home. In addition, he has to learn to keep putting one foot in front of another even when his feet are heavy. As he walked from our home to the bus stop, though, my heart ached for him, and a part of me went with him.

The younger girls have also had their own drama. My fourth grader doesn't feel that she has any friends, feels that she's not in the popular group, and often hangs out with the boys. I understand those feelings, remember those feelings, and ache for her as she lies in my lap and cries time and time again. The baby of our family is still insecure, still unsure of her place, struggling to stay the baby while being pushed to be more independent. And once again, my heart, so full of love, aches.

As I drive down the road and see homeless people with signs, I want to help each one of them, not just hand them $10 but really help them. As I hear stories of teenagers feeling unloved and hurting themselves, I want to love them, to walk with them through this journey of life. When I see the images of people suffering all over the world, I send money, but I want to touch them, to love them, to make a real difference in each of their lives.

All of these feelings are God-given, natural, appropriate emotions. They are an attempt to live out the loving God/loving others Commandment. They are the "do unto others...." That love is what separates us from those who can so easily hurt others with no feelings of remorse. I want to love like I love. I want to allow my heart the freedom to walk down the street with my child as he goes to school in tears, to wrap my arms around broken friends, to passionately adore my husband, to praise my Heavenly Father with a completely open, though imperfect, heart. God, teach me to love unconditionally both You and Others, but, God, hold my heart gently in Your hands as it cracks and bruises easily.

And Around It Goes......

Do you ever feel totally alone in the world? Alone in a house full of people, full of laughter, tears, music, talking...... Ever feel as though the world is spinning by full of people who are happy, sad, dying, living, moving faster and faster, and you're one little spot, one lonely little spot? It's as if there's an egg enclosing me inside, making me invisible, or at least a part of me invisible. The needing me never ends. "I need help with this." "Can you spend time with me?" "Momma, where's my _______?" And, definitely, the satisfaction is never fulfilled. Happy with me one moment can turn into disappointment in me the next. All while I'm just trying....trying...trying. Does anyone really care that I'm trying? Does it really matter? What if I quit trying? Would the approvals and disappointments remain the same?

I am loved. Truly loved. But does anyone want to know how I feel? Does anyone care how I feel? Do my feelings change anyone's actions or words? I am loved. But....do you know how I feel? Would you treat me differently if you did? Would I still feel totally alone in the world? Would I still be one lonely little spot?

Surprise!!!

Rowland is so amazing at surprising me. Through the years, he has outdone himself on numerous occasions. I'm learning, though, as he pointed out to me on our recent "surprise getaway." With airline information and passports in hand, all of our bags packed, and the kids lined up with a great babysitter, we headed to the airport last Thursday morning without his having a clue where we were headed! Being one who seldom can keep surprises quiet, I was most proud of myself that even upon parking at the airport, I still kept my mouth closed tightly! Once we reached the check-in station for Alaskan Airlines, I decided that I needed to let him in on the secret. True to his optimistic self, he was excited and ready for the adventure.

Several hours later, we checked in to our Premier Suite at the Four Seasons Vancouver. As I had been planning the trip, I was concerned that I was spending too much on our hotel room. I've always wanted to stay in a Four Seasons, though, and they had a special "stay three nights and get the fourth for free." Never being one to pass up a "sale," I jumped on the deal!! I truly thought that Rowland would never let me plan another vacation once he saw that I'd booked us in such nice rooms, but as usual, Rowland outdid me yet again. He upgraded to a suite so that he'd have a separate den where he could hang out while I slept in the mornings. After our stay, I determined that, given the choice, I'd rather stay in a lesser quality hotel and have the extra room when we vacation. Of course, I'm always up for a five star hotel AND the extra room!!

We had a wonderful time while we were away, enjoying walking in the rain, shopping in an enormous mall, traveling by ferry to Victoria, walking around Granville Station and the Gas Lamp district, and eating delicious food. Rowland is the most fabulous tour guide, even with no advanced notice. Each morning, he would get up at his usual 5:30 (ugh! ugh! ugh!), dress, head for Starbucks, relax with his coffee on the couch, and plan our day. His best quality as a tour guide is that he is very flexible and presents several options from which to choose. He also knows that if he throws in a little shopping, he can easily put a smile on my face!!

Me on the Ferry

Rowland's Hike on the Way to Whistler

Shannon Falls

So....here are the top ten things I discovered while in Vancouver:

TEN - It rains A LOT and ALL THE TIME!!!!

NINE - The man checking out of the hotel with his huge bag of golf clubs probably had a very disappointing trip!

EIGHT - The private room on the ferry to Victoria is a quiet place to travel, especially after a short girl with a Southern accent put on her B**** attitude and complained about the woman trying to give a mini-seminar on growing organic food!

SEVEN - Even while watching a movie in a foreign country, Milk Duds are still our drug of choice!

SIX - Did I mention that it rains A LOT and ALL THE TIME??

FIVE - For a country with such socialist programs, they certainly don't believe in left turns while driving! (Just a little Rowland humor!!)

FOUR - Vancouver is about 40% Asian, and there were times that I felt that we were back in China! (And that's a good thing!)

THREE - It rains A LOT and ALL THE TIME!!!! (In fact, according to Rowland, it's raining right now! Shock of all shocks!)

TWO - The Cactus Cafe needs to open a restaurant in Denver since it definitely has the BEST food and atmosphere! We ate there two out of four nights and even snuck in for a dessert the third night!

ONE - In a mall of 450 stores, there were NO red ankle boots, and Lucky Brand Jeans is STILL my favorite store!!! (See, it really is all about the shopping! I even ordered my red boots from the computer in the lobby from Zappos.com. Now, that's service!!!)

The time away was priceless with lots of time for conversation (Rowland's favorite part of the trip, I'm sure!), time to re-group as a couple instead of simply parents, and loads of laughter! Even after almost 16 years of marriage, I still love my best friend!!

The Steam Clock in the Gas Lamp District


Dinner at Our Favorite Restaurant

Our Hands May Be Older, but They're Still Holding on Tightly!

She's Back......

I know that I've been a horrible blogger the last few months. I've been in one of my "depression times" and just haven't felt like writing, but I'M BACK!!!

Since I've been gone for a while, I decided to just catch you up on some of the fun things that have been going on in our family, and I'll do that mostly via pictures!!

William and Kitty had their first choir concert together. They did a great job and sang several fun songs!

William and Kitty after the Concert

Beautiful Singing

I took Carson and a friend of his to the One Republic / Rob Thomas concert. I have definitely become a HUGE Rob Thomas fan!! The concert was great!!

Carson and I Ready to Rock!

Carson, Dee, and Maria, Dee's Mom

Next on our list of things to do was to go to "Wicked!" Last year while I was in New York, I went with my sister-in-law to see it, and it was fabulous!! Rowland and I were not disappointed! It was fabulous again!!!!

I love "Dress Up" Dates!!

Since we don't celebrate Halloween, we enjoyed going out to dinner as a family, then watching "Igor" and stuffing our faces with as much candy as we were able!! I always treasure Family Night!

Candy and Movie Night

Our Newest Addition, Joan "Jet" Watching the Movie

And lastly, we celebrated my 44th birthday yesterday! My precious friend Jeannie made me a cake and tried to slide some trick candles into the mix. Still full of hot air, I blew them ALL out!!!

Stuffing Our Faces at On the Border

Momma with Her Little Princess

Daddy and William

The Oldest and the Youngest

Kitty Still Adores Her Big Brother

The Birthday Dance with Joe and Jeannie

My Precious Friend

Making My Wish

All in all, it's been a tough road for the last couple of months, but joy truly does come in the morning, and the sun has risen! I've enjoyed the time of "circling the wagons," focusing all of my energy on my family and resting as needed. God is always faithful, though, even when I begin to doubt Him. Fortunately, His faithfulness is not dependent on mine!! Thank you to those of you who have prayed for me and for our family! Prayers are the real treasures!!

Happy 5th Gotcha Day September 22, 2009

On December 10, 2002, a little baby girl was born in Guigang, China. Almost two years later on September 22, 2004, that little girl, Cydney Jia Xiaoshen Smith, was placed in our arms to complete our family. Somehow, God in His amazing and miraculous ways led us straight around the world to our beautiful daughter. We are so blessed to be her Forever Family. Jia, your momma and daddy love you with every piece of their hearts!!!



My heart is so filled with joy as I watch the video for the 100th time. I remember sitting on the couch, waiting for the orphanage director to place my baby in my arms. Instead, a beautiful little toddler came walking into the room. As tears streamed down our cheeks, Rowland and I reached for our princess. Naturally, she screamed! It was not exactly the moment I had pictured in my mind, nor were the days following. In fact, it was a L-O-N-G three weeks in China living with a little girl who hated me, would not allow me to touch her very often, and would scream if Rowland touched me or I even touched her stroller.

Jia slept on top of Rowland's chest each night, and each time he would try to move or get up, she would scream "Ma-Ma, Ma-ma!" I began to think that she would have been better off to have stayed with her foster mom of the last 14 months. At 22 months of age, she understood just enough to know that she was miserable!

As countless friends and family prayed, I began to notice small changes in her responses to me. My mom, being the wise woman that she is, suggested that I give her Skittles and Diet Coke and that she only be allowed them when she was in my lap. I'm not sure that a psychologist would have agreed, but her plan worked! I gave her Skittles and Diet Coke morning, noon, and night! And God began to work in her little heart to bond her to me. I specifically remember God whispering in my ear, "Weeping may last for the night, But a shout of joy comes in the morning!" (Psa. 30:5) And so it did!

Jia Taking Skittles from My Hand

And Feeding Them to Her Momma

On the long plane ride home, Jia and I were the only ones who seemed to be awake on the entire plane. I spent hours walking her up and down the aisle, singing softly in her ear, "Yes, Jesus loves Jia...." I know that God used that time to further bond our hearts together.

Now, my little princess who was formed in someone else's body has been forever imprinted in my heart. As I read recently, "I may not have given you the gift of life, but life gave me the gift of you!" Thank you, God, with a gratefulness that only You can understand!! You have been good to this momma!

Jia and "Mom-mom" Loving Each Other

To Understand Me......And the Plight of My Precious Husband

Rob Thomas - "Her Diamonds"

Oh what the hell she says
I just can't win for losing
And she lays back down
Man there's so many times
I don't know what I’m doin'
Like I don't know now

By the light of the moon
She rubs her eyes
Says it's funny how the night
Can make you blind
I can just imagine
And I don't know what I’m supposed to do
But if she feels bad then I do too
So I let her be

And she says oooh
I can't take no more
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
Cuz I can't help her now
She’s down in it
She tried her best and now she can't win it's
Hard to see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down

She sits down and stares into the distance
And it takes all night
And I know I could break her concentration
But it don't feel right

By the light of the moon
She rubs her eyes
Sits down on the bed and starts to cry
And there's something less about her
And I don't know what I’m supposed to do
So I sit down and I cry too
And don't let her see

And she says oooh
I can't take no more
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
Cuz I can't help her now
She’s down in it
She tried her best and now she can't win it's
Hard to see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down

She shuts out the night
Tries to close her eyes
If she can find daylight
She’ll be all right
She’ll be all right
Just not tonight

And she says oooh
I can't take no more
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
Cuz I can't help her now
She’s down in it
She tried her best and now she can't win it's
Hard to see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down

Get Off My Back....

My kids educate me all the time on conservation. Jia was just explaining to me at the cabin this week that we have to take care of the Earth because when we die, there will be a whole new "school" coming up. They tell me not to let the water run too long when I'm brushing my teeth. They tell me which items are to be recycled and which can't be. Another thing that I hear about is gasoline conservation, a GREAT topic for a family of six driving a Yukon XL!

I see all of the cute little mini-SUVs driving around town, and I'd love to own one. The Toyota Prius is adorable and fun to drive. I also think that the Toyota Venza and the Nissan Murano are great-looking cars, and I have driven a Honda CRV that I really enjoyed driving. Rowland and I even spent an entire day trying to figure out how our family could down-size. The problem is that we can't! Carson is in high school now, taller than I am; William is right behind him, gaining on me; and then there are three more of us, not including our huge Lab Sage.

Just this past week, I took the three younger kids to the cabin for a week while they're off track. By the time that we had the car loaded, there was barely room for Sage to lie down in the back. Reality is that we needed every single inch of that monster SUV. We didn't even have room for Rowland and Carson! (Of course, after shopping during the week, we barely made it home! That's a whole different issue!)

I appreciate the Cash for Clunkers idea. I would love to be able to help out by driving a less fuel hungry car. I hear the comments about my tank. Bottom line, though...all of that to say....I'll do my best to conserve. In fact, I even have re-usable bags for groceries. I'll be as green as I can be, but I'm driving my big SUV as long as my family needs it. The rest of the world, including my kids, can just GET OFF MY BACK!!

Everybody in the Car!

I was having a mommy memory a couple of days ago and have been thinking about it each time that we load up the fam lately. When the children were smaller, and there were only three of them, I remember one of my greatest frustrations. I could NEVER get the children in the car with one simple command, "Everybody, get in the car!" Instead, I would have to say it over and over and over again as I would run around the house doing last minute things. In fact, my goal was to get them in the car so that I could pick up the house quickly on my way out the door. (This worked GREAT when we were selling houses!)

I remember talking to Lisa S who was the Teaching Pastor's wife at our church in Little Rock. She had four children, and her youngest was in second or third grade. My oldest was in first or second grade with the younger two being around two and three, I think. She made a great observation in that conversation. "Don't tell them to get into the car over and over again. Wait and tell them when you REALLY mean it." Good point, Lisa!! Her advice didn't solve my problem, though, because I, of course, didn't change!

My problem has been changed, though, because my children DID change! We spent a few days in Breck while the kids were off track, and I noticed that every child can pack for him/herself, prepare a bag of toys or electronics, put their stuff in the car, AND get in the car with one simple request on my part! While I definitely enjoyed their babyhood (probably not a word), I DEFINITELY enjoy EVEN MORE that when I say, "Everybody in the car," the car fills with people, and those people even have my keys waiting for me when I finally get into the car!!! Now, that's what I call progress!!!!!!

Everybody in the Car!!!

Just Doesn't Get It

Jia's in first grade this year and having a great year. She is also the child who shares EVERYTHING - TWICE! (Must've gotten it from Rowland?) She came home from school a couple of days ago and asked me if I'd like to hear what happened at school that day. Not wanting to disappoint her, I said, "Sure."

The conversation went something like this:

"I had to change desks today because I was looking on my neighbor's paper."

"Honey, why were you looking on your neighbor's paper?"

"Because I didn't know the answer."

Duh! "Did you feel badly when the teacher moved you?"

"No. I got to move back when the test was over."

"Honey, you understand that you can't look on your neighbor's paper anymore, right?"

"But, Mom, what if I don't know the answer?"

Hmmm......

She also shared with me that she had never "gotten" to sit in the "private office" chair. Thinking that this was a great privilege, I asked her what she needed to do to be able to sit in this special location. Jia: "Talk to my neighbors instead of doing my work."

Just not sure she gets it.....

My Little Swimmer

Jia's in her second round of swim lessons, and while I'd like to see her teacher push her to progress a little faster, Jia's doing a great job. The good thing about her teacher's slow pace is that Jia loves to go, making life easier for mom!

Yesterday, they had a short segment on the use of life jackets and what to do if you're ever in cold water, how to huddle together, etc. Of course, Momma on the side of the pool was thinking, "What exactly are the odds of this six year old getting stranded in ocean water with seven other people? Could we just do some 'swimming?'" Just in case, though, she's prepared!

Jia Floating in Her Life Jacket

My Princess Getting Out of the Pool

And, Of Course, Always a Pose!!!

More China Days

In between the orphanage and playing at the church, we had some time to sight see and SHOP!!!! During my last visit to China, we visited the Emperor's Summer Palace in southern China. This time, we visited the Forbidden City, the site of "The Last Emperor" and other movies surrounding that time period. It is truly overwhelming as the grounds go on and on. There were specific areas in which only the emperor could walk. There were also different palace receiving areas depending on how close to the emperor that one was. It's such a special piece of China's history, and the buildings were beautiful.

Carson, Rowland, and I at the Forbidden City

A Clueless Denver Nuggets "Fan" (Colorado is loved everywhere!!)

The Beautiful Gardens

Rowland STRONGLY Questioned the Rating System!!

Tiananmen Square is directly across the street from the Forbidden City. In 1989, there was a huge student protest that unfortunately ended in bloodshed. When you realize the cry that was being heard around the world, it's a special place to walk.

The View of the Forbidden City from the Square

The Square

Anita and I Posing when Rowland Was Looking for an Action Shot Instead!

The Great Wall was another one of our site-seeing adventures. Suffice it to say that it is a BUNCH of steps that extend for thousands of miles. Anita and I climbed a few, then headed back down to do a little shopping while the guys hiked further up the wall. Once again, we weren't where we were supposed to be when the guys came looking for us. It really wasn't our fault, though. Shopping is an occupation, not a hobby for girls like us!

It Just Goes On and On and On and On

The Group on the Wall

Anita and I Just Before We Got "Lost" Shopping
(Check out the cool parasol and hat! Definite fashion statements! HA!)

Girls Just Wanna Have Fu-un!!!

Saturday was another work in the yard day for me! Two days in a row, I have cleaned out our backyard. I have accumulated 17 bags of yard trash as well as 12 bundles of sticks. If you could see how small my backyard was, you'd wonder what kind of forest was living behind us! There's still work to be done, but it's SO much better.

The boys were at a car show with Rowland so the girls each had a friend over to play while I worked. As you can see, I actually stopped long enough to make lunch, including soup! Pretty good for the non-cooking mom!!! They had such a good time playing together!

The Four Girls Having Lunch Outside

KeKe and G

Jia and Her New Best Friend (Cayden, You'll NEVER be Replaced!!)

BTW, thanks for the prayers yesterday. Carson had a good day of school, mostly just learning the school rules and his schedule, meeting the teachers, junk stuff.... He walked home with Zach, a friend from church whom I REALLY like. They hung out all afternoon, making the day even better for him.

Today, the 10th - 12th graders show up for school! MORE, BIGGER prayers!!!

Another Milestone

My Almost-Grown Son

My baby Carson is no more! He started high school today, walking down the street with his friend..... He didn't even need to be taken to school, completely self-sufficient. Of course, his dad did make his lunch and print out his schedule from the computer. His momma dried his hair for him. I guess he still needs us a little!

I can honestly say that I am very, very proud of the young man whom he has become. He is a delight to be around, funny, intelligent, and even showing some of that softness that he seemed to have hidden away in middle school. He is rapidly becoming an awesome guitar player and is also teaching himself harmonica. In spite of his "old" parents, he seems to enjoy hanging out with us. This weekend, he went to a car show with his dad, and he hung out at the park with all of the adults in Life Group last night. He's much better about helping me around the house when I'm in a panic and has such an even nature like his dad. Best of all, he didn't complain once about having his momma take "First Day of School" pictures!!!

Yes, He's Definitely Much Taller Than His Momma!

Two Peas in a Pod

Pray for my baby as you think about him. I know that the next four years will be trying times for him (and us, too, I'm sure!). He has a good foundation and a loving and supportive family, but he's the one who will have to make the real-life choices that will help him become the man he will be. God, I'm thankful that you're walking to school with him!!!